and so I thought I'd bring it back to the beginning. The reason 912 days ago I set up this instagram profile and the thing that's stopped me from drinking alcohol for the past 640 days. Alcohol did nothing for me; nada, zilch, sweet FA. I may look like I'm all happy families and fantastic shots of cups of tea but, trust me on this one, 913 days ago I was in a bad place. And when I say bad, I mean really bad. My head was all over the place, I'd had a miscarriage and was absolutely devastated. I thought it was my fault, that I'd done something to deserve it and that I was damaged in some way. My husband had recently opened his first pub and every time I drank alcohol I would inevitably end up sobbing uncontrollably. I was convinced that I was being punished for covering my trauma with a party girl persona and that I would never become a mummy. In all honesty, that made me feel like I had nothing. I was drowning in shame, exacerbated by every tear spilled on the bar of my husband's new pub. I went through cycles of sobriety, hiding away from the world only to end up slipping back to crying at the bar after "one too many". I never, ever thought I would be able to achieve something that I had spent years attempting, with poor results. And here I am now, sitting with my baby boy asleep beside me, feeling like I can't remember who I was then let alone relate to her. I remember feeling lost, uncertain of the future, unable to trust that I would do anything that put me and my wellbeing first. And then I started putting one foot in front of the other, wobbly at first but gaining confidence as the days racked up.
You may be reading this because you want to address your relationship with alcohol, or you've taken the first steps at the beginning of your journey. If that's the case, know that you have so much ahead of you. So much richness is on the other side of this next bit. It might feel a bit lonely at the moment, but that's where community comes in. The feeling I experienced when everyone started encouraging me on here, well, it was incredible. And pretty soon I realised that the only thing in my way was me ❤️
📷 Via @drop_the_bottle_